After The Work

Many have heard the term “people pleaser” but do not know how deep the issue is rooted in one’s heart. They seem pleasant enough to deal with, maybe a little much at times. All “yes” and smiles, compliments, fawning, and hard work tend to make the work day go somewhat well. Relationships seem pleasant at first, but often do not find depth over time. People pleasers lose friends after a while not because of who they are, but get burned out by all the good deeds gone unrewarded according to the imaginary tab we keep. What is the true and sad purpose behind all those compliments and acts of service?

Did you that people pleasers are liars? We will never tell you if we are truly hurt by a comment, nor disagree with an opinion. We may say “That’s a great idea” when we really, really wish you had decided to do it our way. We cannot be honest about our opinions, our feelings, and whether someone crosses our boundaries. We do not even know what our personal boundaries are half the time. Our personal relationships are can be very unhappy.

We are so afraid to disappoint our partner, much less admit when we are tired, angry, or hurt. We may maneuver the facts around hoping they will do things are way but we never come out and say “I don’t like this!” We work and work so hard hoping for a complement or affirmation without stating our needs. Then we are hurt and cannot say why. We even resort to passive aggressive means of revenge, even sabotage others privately in a sly way.

Lying leads to the next issue we people pleasers have, manipulation. Sounds Machiavellian, doesn’t it? Are people pleasers narcissists without empathy, seeking to move the chess pieces about the board of life? No thankfully people pleasers feel empathy for others, but they feel more is fear. They are afraid of confrontation, afraid or ignorant of their own boundaries, and afraid of being alone. They have a deep loneliness and seek to keep people close the only ways they know how. They fawn, they agree, they compliment and when that doesn’t get the desired effect, we will resort to manipulation to keep people near or to get hoped for results. We do good works for others with a subconscious tab we hope to call in with others. When we call a tab that no one knows exists! We may hope they notice, but we lose our dignity every time we seek to please others out of fear rather than doing good for the sake of others.

Is there hope for a people pleaser? Absolutely. We reach the bottom of our energy around age 35. We cannot work so hard physically and emotionally at work and at home before we just collapse. Our depression, burnout, dissatisfaction with life will come to a head and we will ask “Why isn’t anything I try working out? What am I doing wrong?” As it turns out it is not what we are doing, it is what is happening on the inside that is the key. It is a people pleasers perception on life and how adults navigate the world. A people pleaser believes like a child that every aspect of our life is transactional, black and white. I do good for you, you will like me and stay. If I displease you, I will be alone. A people pleaser at their core does not believe they are lovable.

Why on earth would someone like me? If they really knew how I felt about myself, they would see too that we are not worth it. We do not love or respect ourselves like healthy people do. Therefore in order for people to like us and stay in our lives, we have to always give ourselves away. We have hurts on the inside, old voices and narratives we have internalized at some point that make us feel we do not measure up. Perhaps we were once very alone in the world and only found friends by doing nice things for others. We never learned that the friends we made would like us whether we agreed with them or not. We cannot comprehend at a deep level that someone would fall in love with us for who we are and not what we do. We don’t have the internal wiring to see that we were hired because of our competence and potential, and with that a respect of us and expectation we will respect others. We cling to the very old, black and white narrative that our relationships must always be transactional emotionally.

Friends swap favors with one another, coworkers do favors and assist one another. These are normal aspects of relationships on the outsides but on the insides we develop love and trust because of who we are and not what we can do. Jesus taught us to “love our neighbors as ourselves” implying that we do good for others because of who they are and who Jesus is. It also teaches us that we love others because we love ourselves. Have you ever looked upon yourself, your character, your past with the grace and love of Jesus? Do you assume to hold yourself in judgement when there is only One Judge? It is a perverse pride that allows us to think our self assessment takes priority over our Savior’s judgment, a Savior who died for you. For God so Loved the world…

Underneath the self-loathing, the pride, the burn out, and the negative self esteem exists a child of God who is afraid. We don’t want to be alone. We want to be loved, respected, and understood. For some reason we are afraid God won’t provide these for us. We have been taught our loved ones will let us down and we won’t feel loved, respected, and understood. People will let us down, but there are others in our life today who do, but do so imperfectly. Our faith teaches God will love us through the arms of others, we just need be open. It is difficult to be open to love when we don’t love ourselves and are afraid no one will meet our needs.

Therefore seek to love, forgive, and value your own self. Make friends with your past hurts and lay them before the Lord. Ask God in prayer to heal your hurts. Dare yourself to to ask God how much you are loved and are worth! Allow God to heal you by his Spirit in prayer and in worship. Journal about your past hurts and about your own esteem. Write about your positives and focus on upon egotism, but liking yourself again. We will grow comfortable with ourselves more everyday and our fear of being alone will drift away. We won’t feel the need to please others because we don’t feel like at some level we have to earn their love and approval. We begin to engage in the world like an adult, giving respect and expect others to give similar respect. We learn another layer to the teaching “do unto others as you would have them do to you.”