After The Work

Told from the perspective of a person in recovery, this meditation is processing regret, sadness, and the outcome of this destructive disease, addiction. Though accepted as a disease of the mind and an allergy of the body, so much of the damage done seems to take place willfully, or at least, neglectfully.

Many understand that childhood trauma, socioeconomic upbringing, family history, and genetics all play a part in the insane process of self medicating emotional and spiritual pain. Addiction continues to be one of the most challenging to medicine and detrimental to society. Jails, the streets and institutions are filled with people who have made poor choices under the influence or seeking to be under the influence. All of this, however, doesn’t change a few key facts.

First, decisions that are made during active addiction hurt other people. It doesn’t matter if someone intended to hurt someone, or if they believed their loved ones would be OK. It matters not if one was alone or with someone. It doesn’t change the pain of an other because of what they have said or what was left unsaid; what was done or left undone. It doesn’t matter if harm was intended or not, people were hurt by selfish or careless choices made.

What stings the most is we hurt those who are closest to us. Our parents, siblings, friends, spouses, and children all feel the impact of a disease that frustratingly seems like a choice, but when activated, locks someone into our selfish word. We may work hard, spend time with them, try to help. We may even be self-sacrificing in our efforts to provide for them, but the pain remains. Unacknowledged the pain will persist whether we are drunk, stoned, or isolating in our own self pity.

Perhaps there is a point where the addict or alcoholic had a choice and for whatever reason chose cross the line or return to the drink or drug. Once the drink entered there is no stopping until Divine Intervention. At that point it doesn’t matter if it’s a choice or not, pain was caused. Feelings got hurt and people were let down. Rationalizing, minimizing, or making excuses are just signs we have not surrendered to the reality of our disease.

Second, we must grieve our past. This is not self pity; these are honest tears of pain and regret. We grieve because we care, especially for those we care for the most. Parents would die for their children, but when addition enters the picture all manner of rationalization (I need my medicine), delusion (This doesn’t affect them), minimization (They will be ok, not a big deal), or any movement of the mind disease that enables an addict to continue feeding the beast within.

Pain does not feel good, and those with addiction ran from pain for years. The self medication of the substance was to treat a hurt, anxiety, or sooth despondency. A drink or drug seems like the perfect solution, that life can now be lived without the hindrance of the pain. We feel comfortable in our own skin. We experience ease and comfort, even oblivion to escape our realities.

The same reality we escape is where our loved ones live. They miss us, they worry for us, they may eventually give up on us so we use even more. We see the world through the eyes of our delusion that keeps us sick. Its a delusion we build to insulate us from our own pains and hurts, but it is still a delusion. Remember, while we were numb, our families felt pain the entire time. Now we can feel the pain, it is at the very least fair, and at its best turns us to God and helps us grow.

Pain we feel can be turned for good. It can motivate us to repentance, to self examination, to change, spiritual growth, and helping others. Pain may be the beginning, but the end is serenity. When regret for the past comes up, we need not run from it. Instead we must delve in with our sponsor or counselor.

What really hurts is that we may even have tried many, many times to grow and change. We may have had sobriety, but didn’t find the deeper issues of our character. We may have relapsed, overdosed, got arrested, or had an accident all the while feeling like we are spinning our wheels. We search and search and do not see why we were so driven.

One such person found a family, career, and education. Everything was going according to plan, but the focus moved from recovery to ego. It was a subtle shift, “I’m helping others for a career we say.” What was not seen was why they were so driven. Proving to their parents, other kids from hometown that they are wrong, that the addict is fine, showing everyone how good they really are. It is almost admirable, and on the surface it is.

Living life to prove others wrong or to become what we may thing our parents want is not why we are to live. “To thy own self be true” as it is said. We live as God created us to be and to do what we are called to do. Often our passions align with what God would have us do. We can even head the right direction, but motives we do not understand can derail us from the path.

The result is not a sudden relapse, but years of drifting away from recovery and into selfish, even desperate attempts to establish themselves. It is trying to build a life we think God wants for us, but we always will write our stories short doing this. Instead of living honestly before others, instead of pleasing others, instead of assuming we know the answers we run right past what God has for us.

How does one prevent this? The steps are the path. Daily living honestly, humbly, and genuinely working the steps have proven true for many people. Sharing with others in recovery and helping others enable us to learn and perpetuate the recovery process for ourselves and others. “Recovery, unity, and service.”

What remains for one grieving the past is twofold. On one side the steps lead us to understand the exact nature of our wrongs and eventually understand to whom and how we are to made amends. This may start with apology but amends is much stronger and deeper act that may take years. Things may never be the same and we just have to accept that. It means making things right, not just letting others know we are sorry. We have said sorry before, we may have cried before, but healing takes commitment and prayer.

The other hand is hope. The results are not up to us. We can only pray that God has in his plan to keep others in our lives. We can only pray that they are willing to stay engaged. Hope means we are not just praying and feeling the feeling, but that we are living our transformed lives towards healing. We have to be there for them twice as much as we were absent. Even then, our disease hurts others and it may not work out the way we hope. It may not turn out like that, but it is a reality.

It is likely that there are times we feel better about things than others. When we really feel the grief, remember that a relapse will only feel good for a moment, if that. All the regret, hopelessness, and isolation will return. We will lose touch with our Higher Power. Our health and life will be at risk. It is better to remember unity in recovery. Pick up the 10 pound phone and dial a number.

Finally I try and remember that God is love. There is redemption, forgiveness, mercy, and grace for the one who turns from their selfish acts and seeks Him. I believe Jesus came to heal the sinner so that they may join Him as sons and daughters in the Kingdom of God. It is an eternal issue that we experience one day at a time.