After The Work

How the past can haunt our minds! Memories of the past, missed opportunities, people once in our lives, and “better times”. The character Andy on the television show The Office reflected “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

The past has a funny way of preserving itself in our minds. None of us recall things like a perfectly preserved movie. The characters in our lives turn to ghosts of what was–some sad, others nostalgic. What is also difficult to accept is that our perception of the past may not be as others remember them. We think the best, but if we do not listen to others, do we really know? Even then, people can try and spare feelings and not share what they truly feel.

The thing about ghosts is that our perceptions of them can really warp and wane as time marches on. When we live through our lives, the good times just feel normal. In retrospect what are we seeing? Perhaps the opportunities we missed to be together? Or perhaps our view of a memory is not shared in the same shade as those around us.

Take a memory of a picnic you recall fondly. Perhaps you had a good week, maybe the food and people all fell into your expectations. You recall a couple of conversations, played some games and generally felt as though it was a great event. What if your family didn’t recall it the same? Perhaps your spouse was feeling down but didn’t share? Maybe a relative was going through something and didn’t let on they were not having fun. Maybe you missed small cues that others were not happy as you?

It is indeed a difficult awakening when others share a different view of shared memories. It can be enlightening, but also disappointing. If we have our own issues clouding our judgment, finding out we missed the pain of others can indeed be devastating.

Sometimes we can reflect back and realize we wasted opportunities to be together. We worked too much or we busied ourselves in matters unimportant, missing out on playing with our kids or spending time with our spouse. Regret is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.

How do we grieve the past? We experience loss in many ways, someone doesn’t have to pass away to experience lost opportunity, time, or intimacy. What can we do today about the loss of the past. How do we address the ghosts in our minds when they begin to haunt us?

First is to give license to our feelings. Feelings can be scary and hurt, but they will pass. Let the tears flow as the loss washes over us. Feel the anger you have at yourself or others. Take them in and reflect, possibly in a journal or blog. Pushing our feelings aside only causes them to fester and make our ghosts all the more powerful.

Face it, it is a shame you missed out on so much. Perhaps you were being selfish or dismissive. Or maybe we were seeing a glowing version of a relationship through the lens of our hopes when the reality of our relationship was far less rosy. Idealized relationships have many reasons, but realizing that things were not has you thought or hope is a painful revelation.

After acknowledging and owing our feelings, we can turn to self examination. How can we be what we want to be today? The past is gone, and the future awaits. How can we grow in this present moment? How can we be better and ensure we do not make future ghosts to haunt us later? Spiritual development often has surrender, confession, and recommittal to be better.

Sharing with others can also help exorcise our demons. Bearing each others burdens is a tried and true approach to dealing with shared sorrow. Positive presence with others is helpful, shying away from self pity and feeding one another’s anger. Sometimes when we are focused on the pain of others we find solace from our own.

Finally prayer had helped many people find a way to move forward through their grieving their ghosts. God wants us to acknowledge our past, but also learn from it. God loves us despite our choices and steers us toward the Light. Our grief presents itself, we accept it, feel it, and then ask God to help make it right inside. How can we find peace with our ghosts unless we become familiar with their nature? It isn’t an easy process but once we walk through the discomfort we find healing and perspective on the other side.

We may never get rid of our ghosts all together. We may have them to serve as reminders to live in the moment and love those around us more deeply. Perhaps it will allow us to reconnect and right some of the missed opportunities we had. Whatever the ghost, its important to not run from them, nor be dominated by them. Somehow God has peace for us Today. God is near, let us find him now!