After The Work

There she sat, her frail frame barely making a dent on her mattress. She seemed already half in heaven. The other half still in the body cried large tears silently falling onto her pajama leg. The cancer is a thief, stealing her mind, her energy, her body, but she knows it cannot have her soul. She cried because she couldn’t think anymore, she was tired of sleeping, tired of being awake, tired of laying down, too weak to stand. Her exhaustion was nearly total and complete save the energy to take comfort in the memory of her family who had recently left.

She said goodbye to her children one last time, shared one last meal, squeezed one last hug before they parted. Her family still had work and have kids in school. She is far to young to say goodbye, cancer that thief taking her before her hair is greyed. She had lived a life filled with joy and pain, the human experience but oh to experience a little more. One more day, one more hug, one more meal. She prayed for comfort, that dying wouldn’t hurt, that she could rest but it is so difficult to let go of what could have been and what should have been. She wept for what she would miss and what she was leaving behind. She wept in silence, her tears like drops of rain falling down on her arm made no sound but none the less their impact felt.

She faced her prognosis with courage, honestly, and with authenticity. She didn’t beg or plead. She didn’t live as if that thief cancer wasn’t stealing her life, but quietly acknowledged nothing more could be done, and if she did fight, the battle would likely make her sick and kill her sooner. She wears a pain patch and takes pills, but they do little to dull the reality of her plight. Instead, she with honesty and great courage simply wept large tears like drops of blood falling from her heart. She keeps her chin held high in dignified defiance, that thief cancer cannot have who she Is.

Many guard their hearts fearing the opinions of others. Some wear masks because they cannot trust people will like what they see underneath. Courage is living authentically before everyone, laying our hearts bare for all to see. When we face death, illusions about who we are fall away. Concern for the opinions of others reveal their insignificance. Facing eternity places each day into perspective, so short yet so valuable as each moment ticks, ticks, ticks away. A cloud follows you around as you walk, eat, shower, and visit with others. “When is it going to happen? Will today be the day?” She lives under this cloud as many of the dying do, but she walks to enjoy the sunshine, laughs when life is funny, hugs when she loves, and cries when she is sad. It takes courage to live knowing you are going to die, more courage still when you can cry.

The irony is that we are all dying, some slowly and others quickly. We may die tomorrow crossing the road or walking the dog by the river. Life seems so long, but changes in an instant. Life is tenuous in reality, so much could happen that does not. We walk through each day oblivious to the cloud that follows us all. How shall we walk? Will we have the courage to let others see who we are? How can we hold in “I love you” to others when life is so dear? Will we laugh when happy, cry when we are sad, and hug when we love? We face death daily and do not cry. We hide behind our personas and our titles. We horde our money and trust in princes. None of that is who we are but what we have and use to kick the subject away. Courage lives outside of ourselves, confronts the darkness within and seeks to make the world better for others.

We prayed. We hugged. She takes comfort that this world is but a step in our Great Journey, that Love awaits her. She still cries, still wishes mom was here to hold her, living as if one foot is in heaven and one remains behind. That damn thief cancer may take the body, but it won’t take her soul. She will hold her head up high in quiet dignity, unafraid to cry as those beautiful tears fell. Each tear a testament to her faith, courage, and dignity. Courage cries sometimes and that is quite alright. I dare others to live so purely and honestly as this.