After The Work

If you have felt like you have never measured up with others, then you are not alone. Moving forward can sometimes feel surreal, leaving us feeling as if “if they really knew me, then they would all leave.” Imposter syndrome will likely rear its ugly head just when things are getting good. “Surely this will not last” you might say to yourself, or “Just wait, this progress will all crumble”. The perverse lie that you are not worthy of love, meet your goals, or lose that job you have worked so hard to get.

It isn’t that a person is without value, nor are we completely void of anything positive–it just feels that way. Perhaps someone once told you that you are worthless, or a freak, or a “spaz”; someone who’s opinion you respected. A seed was planted at some point that told you that you are not entitled the same opportunities for happiness, love, or companionship. The chronic “outsider”, longing to belong but whenever you are around community, all you can do is look at your feet.

Society is good at holding up success before us. Our western culture holds that if you work hard, you can succeed, and there is truth to this. We cannot climb a mountain without any sweat, nor can we build a life without ups, downs, and dedication. We put one foot in front of the other and try like everyone else, but at the end of the day you might feel hollow inside. The other shoe is bound to drop right on your own toe and you will fall again. Even spiritual communities can promise good and offer hope, but that doesn’t change that feeling inside–until we look without reservation at the moment(s) we were told we don’t measure up.

Maybe it was your schoolmates who laughed at your awkwardness in middle school. Perhaps your mother or father made a comment, judgement, or belittled you in some way. Maybe it was even worse than that and you were physically traumatized. It is wise to discuss this with a counselor or trusted guide as we may do well to have a compassionate ear to listen to your pain. Groups focused upon healing can also be positive sounding boards like self-help groups in your community, recovery groups like AA or Al-Anon, or small groups at a place of worship.

We need to accept our painful past and rewrite the harmful narratives we have believed (sometimes without even realizing it) over the years. It is scary work and it will likely hurt. There will be tears, pain and shame. You might even want to end it all! (please, please don’t) All the more reason to reach out to someone to help with the burden and point out the truth about yourself: You are worthy of love and acceptance.

It will take some time to heal just as you have lived some time in “survival mode”. A verse than can encourage us is Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” If the God of the Universe is watching out for you, perhaps there is some reason to hope. This may take a leap of faith to believe as perhaps we have tried prayer and meditation before. Also, some trauma we carry can come from religious institutions, but believe not in broken people, but in the Unbroken One.

Isaiah 41:10 tells us “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This can manifest in two ways. It can encourage us on the inside, feeling stronger as the result that we are not alone in the Universe. It also calls us to look outside of ourselves for the solution. If we do not lift our eyes from the problem, we will not see the hand extended to you in love.

This is hard work, especially if we have been struggling with our emotions for years. Some days just getting out of bed can be progress, and there may be days we cannot. It is OK. Don’t use the same internal critic to judge yourself that has been torturing you for years; rather renew your mind with positive words, conversations, and writings. Perhaps it is time to put down the social media and news for a time as it seems to hold a mirror to our perceived failures.

Whatever you do, don’t give up. People do recover from pain and trauma. It is a messy process that requires guidance, patience, and giving yourself a break. Take things one day at a time, even break up your day into smaller segments. Accept your feelings and speak them out loud, even when alone. They will pass eventually. Know that you are loved and while your circumstances may be unique, there are others who understand your pain.