After The Work

Imagine a toddler learning to walk. It is a wonderful time for the life of a parent to first witness a child to stand with the aid of a coffee table or chair. They smile as if they know they are doing something important, responding to the smiles of their parents and their encouragement. They fall back to the ground on their backside and giggle, then try again. There is no shame they are not standing anymore, they just try again. Eventually they let go of the table and stand on their own, only to fall again. Then they stand back up as if they never fell. Eventually, they take their wobbly first step towards mom or dad. The excitement is palpable, even as the child falls again, and again, and again.

In this life we are spiritual children our entire lives. We succeed in one area and fall in others. As life changes, what we struggle with changes and we fall and get back up again. However we say “I am better than this” or “I should be past this” and sin again and again. We beat ourselves up without asking the question “why?” We try harder, buy self help books, attend meetings, but are we washing the trash can without taking out the trash? Many times we sin because we “have to” as a means of coping with a broken past.

Recovering from trauma is not a smooth road to walk and it is as varied as people are. There is no standard by which we say “this isn’t bad enough, therefore I should be better”. If it hurt you in any way, then it is bad enough to cause you to not want to deal with it. Mistakes or memories we would just as well die before addressing in the forefront of our minds. Yet how can God heal us if we do not fearlessly and tenderly open those wounds to the Great Physician?

We may have coped for several years in very unhealthy ways. Our habitual sins may have been poor ways to sooth our anxieties and escape from our pains. Our bodies store deep within them memories of our broken pasts. We can have vivid dreams of abuse and using substances. We can be triggered by someone’s simple words during the course of a day. We second guess ourselves, others, and lose any sense of security we may have gained while moving forward.

What we cannot do is give up or berate ourselves for failing to get better. That is part of the problem; we treat ourselves ruthlessly or more harshly than we would anyone else. Does the child hate itself for falling when learning to walk? Does the child chastise itself because it is taking longer to walk than others? Psalm 37:23-24 reminds us, “The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; ²⁴ though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.”

If you have committed yourself to following after Jesus, then you are righteous because he puts his righteousness on you. You feel bad for sins and failures, that is a good sign. He understands better than anyone else what you have endured and been through, your task is to get back up and try again. God will uphold you, much like a parent assists a child learning to walk. He will hold your hand when intimidated by your past, as you bring it before him. Your steps are part of his plan, even as you step out of sin. You begin to understand that while you struggled and survived, you were given superpowers of empathy, understanding, and hope.

Why bad things happen to us isn’t always clear. We ask God where he was when we were wounded, and that is normal. We may even shout at him. It is a very personal issue, one only you can work through. Know that when others harm us, they are making that choice to, not God. God doesn’t work like Superman to whisk us away from harm. Sometimes people harm others because of their brokenness, and the cycle continues. We lock those times away and move on, but our minds and bodies store them away until one day we feel safe enough to address them.

Continue to walk and delight in the ways of God; love, mercy, hope, and justice. Treat yourself with kindness when healing the past. Don’t lower the bar for yourself, but be your own ally in healing. It takes time to heal just as it takes time to learn to walk. Worry not about others and their time tables, but concern yourself with the path laid out before you. Soon you will look back and see you have walked far better than you think.